Advice, thy name is Skippy

By Skippy

Hey Kids, Skippy is with you again after a long dry spell. At least I hope to be with you again. I don't know that I will actually finish this one, but we'll give it a shot and see what happens. Worst comes to worst, I peter out halfway through and we're both left unfulfilled. It isn't that bad, ask my girlfriend.

I received an email from a young man the other day. He asked me, and I quote, "hello i need advice with my girlfriend. she's a little unstable about the kissing thing." I have no idea what this man is talking about. What kissing thing? Or did he perhaps mean to say "kissing the thing", which would change the tone of that message quite a bit. How old are these two? Is he 32 and she 13? It would explain her resistance. It would also fit into my audience demographic. Maybe they are both 12, I don't know. It could be that she is his mail order bride and there is a language barrier. That would also fit nicely into the make-up of my audience. I really don't know, all I have is that one line message.

Now not having enough information on which to base a rational opinion has never stopped me before, and lord knows it won't stop me now after nearly six months on the sidelines. So here is my advice to you little reader, you may want to take notes.

First off, you should check the halitosis angle. I have met many women who would not do many things, but kissing me was never one of them. Why is that you ask? Because I always made it a point to have minty fresh breath. At least until we moved in together, at that point all kissing got in the way of valuable TV time. So you really ought to check the breath issue first and foremost.

Next, you should look for psychological problems that may be hindering her basic smooching instinct. Why, I myself remember an incident with my Aunt Irma that put me off potato salad for years. It was only after numerous, intensive therapy sessions that I was able to picnic without getting the shakes. Then there was that time with my Uncle Edgar and fudgecicle...the less said about that the better. Suffice it to say, there may be something in her past that is causing this block. Get to the root of that and you will making out like...like...like two people making out a lot.

She may be insecure about her technique when it comes to kissing a boy (or kissing anything for that matter). Maybe she doesn't have a wealth of experience in this area. It could be that she is embarrassed about doing something wrong and having you laugh at her and tell all your friends and she winds up being that girl that can't kiss for the rest of her life. If I were you I would play up the fact that I am so desperate to kiss her that I have resorted to writing to hack internet columnists for answers. If that doesn't prove to her how low your standards are then nothing will my friend.

Lastly, it may be that she just doesn't like you very much. Sure, you say she is your girlfriend, but what proof have you given me? For all I know this is some girl you see on the bus every day and you have convinced yourself you are dating because she bumped into once when the driver hit the brakes too hard. What kind sick, twisted little fiend sets up this sort of romantic fantasy involving an innocent girl? What else have you tried to make her do to you while alone in your cheap, walk-up studio in the seedy part of town? I ought to trace your address and call the cops you little pervert. You are just lucky that I don't care enough about others to make the effort, that's all I have to say...sicko.

Or maybe not, maybe you are just a couple of kids in love, trying to fumble your into some sort of sexual relationship without any resources to explain to you how it works. I don't know my friend. I could give you tips till I am blue in the face and in the end it won't matter at all. I can tell you everything ,every man has ever learned about women and it won't help you at all. Because women are these wonderful, mysterious creatures that do the damndest things for no apparent reason. Of course, they then do the most wonderful things for no apparent reason too. I guess that's why we don't throttle them on a regular basis.

So in the end, my advice to you youngster is thus, ask her why you don't kiss each other more often. Tell her it isn't a big deal, but are wondering if maybe you are doing something that makes her not want to kiss you. She might just give you an answer you can use. Probably not, because they are all psychotic, but it couldn't hurt.