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Bored of the Rings

By Matt Sedik
So I spent the last month converting a 1979 Chevy Nova into the main subject of this issue's column. Most of the burlap had been glued on, and sand applied accordingly. Small shells had been spot-welded to the exterior. I'd almost finished painstakingly implanting human teeth (don't ask) into the grill.

See, I was trying to make a Voodoo Car. Well, a voodoo doll actually, but one for a car. And not just any car... but every car.

There I was, finally finding a hobby to occupy my time (as my doctor suggested. It seems that cooking up batches of home explosives isn't as therapeutic as one thought...)

Anyway, the target of this month's venom was going to be car alarms. I've had it up to here with them. Quite possibly the most annoying noise ever made (except for Jim Carrey's shriek in Dumb & Dumber, of course).

Yessireebob, I was all ready to rant about car alarms until a New Thing stole the limelight:

Custom cell phone rings.

What on god's green earth is this all about?!? What sick Nazi mind devised these abominations of technology? Is it the product of a secret Microsoft plan?

It's been a gradual realization as to the depth of my hate. It was only a ring or two that I noticed. Then, over the course of a couple of weeks, everyone's damn phone was playing the opening theme to Green Acres.

Just because you can change something, doesn't mean you should.

Next time I hear a beeping rendition of the 1812 Overture start during a meeting, I'm going to leap across the table (sending Starbucks & Jamba Juice cups everywhere) and throttle some poor, unsuspecting soul.

Why can't they make cell phone rings sound like phone rings, real phone ring? Call me old-fashioned, but I miss the crisp, brass bell of a good old AT&T Princess® phone. Sample that into your sound chips.

About the coolest custom ring I've ever heard was Loni Anderson's doorbell on WKRP in Cincinnati Yeah, baby... the round bed... Let's make a love tostada.

I hope this custom ring thing is just a phase. If I'm lucky, the music industry will bring it's still-Napster-wet hammer down on this new trend.

"I'm sorry Senator, but the Munsters theme song is not public domain. The song wirter's should be paid accordingly."

I wish I could carry a pocket-sized anti-cell phone signal device. They should at least install them in theaters. Lord knows I don't want the special, little moment between Angelina Jolie and myself in the upcoming Tomb Raider movie to be spoiled by some cell fuck with his ring set to "Funky Cold Medina".