By Fiona Jane


I'm always hearing about people who are waiting to hear those "three little words" that apparently mean so much. The reference of course, is to the phrase "I love you" but frankly most people I know are waiting to hear very different arrangement of "three little words".

Given the choice, I have no doubt that every single person in my office would rather hear the words "We've won Lotto!!" than "I love you". You can fall in love umpteen times, but winning $20 million bucks?? Don't think that comes around too often.

My friend Dina works at the Star City Casino (and there aren't many stars there, let me assure you!). Anyway, she's a drinks waitress and wears one of those sexy cheongsams slit up to her hips which results many variations of "I love you"(luv) which for some reason people think is what she wants to hear. To be perfectly honest, the only three words she wants to hear from her ever-so-classy customers are "Keep the change"(luv).

One of my favourites is "Cash or credit?" as the salesperson wraps up yet another of my unnecessary purchases. Just thinking about that phrase now makes me want to go out and buy some shoes. I'm sure I could justify it as everyone knows that 11 pairs of black shoes can't possibly be enough!

Our beloved Scroom publisher is always emailing me three little words, but to my perennial disappointment, they are "where's my column?" rather than "I love you". That's OK, I guess, seeing as to his perennial disappointment, my answer is consistently "not done yet"!

What's the big deal with saying those reputedly magic three little words anyway? My best friend Susan watches Seventieth Clich' - oops, I mean Seventh Heaven, which is a pretty tragic show at any given time, but when she was watching it last Saturday night and they were running a storyline about how so-and-so's boyfriend hadn't said that he loved her yet it was all I could do not to throw up on the couch. Who gives a fuck if he said it or not?

If someone you love loves you back then you know about it. It's something that shines through a person, and even if you try to hide the fact that you're in love, people will know.

You know what I'm talking about, but here's some proof. My favourite example is from my ex-boyfriend Simon. At the ripe age of 31, and not ever having been in love before we were together, the whole intensity of the emotion scared the proverbial out of him. I think he genuinely thought he was too cool to fall in love and when it happened out of the blue, he didn't know how to handle it.

One night as we were going to sleep, he kissed me on the neck and said "You know I care about you very much, don't you?". It sounds terrible now, but I burst out laughing and said "Don't worry sweetheart, when you're ready to say I love you, you will". (Then I think I snorted with laughter and muttered "Care about you very much??" a few times before I fell asleep.)

I guess it was a bit cruel to laugh, but the point is that there's no reason to get all worked up about whether or not someone says I love you. That is something you do, not just something to say.

They're not the three most important little words in the world. I'm nominating "pass the wine!" Any seconders?