Volume 4, Number 4
April, 1999
Skippy Gets Rich
Hey kids! Skippy here with you again to make your miserable existence just a little brighter with my wit,my wisdom, my love. Why do I do this for you? You ask. Simple really, I am all about spreading the joy. I am all about giving back to my fellow man. I am all about raging egomaniacal tendencies run amok. Most of all, I am all about love. Some of you may be wondering how I can possibly love wretched excuses for humans such as yourselves. Well it s simple, I have reeeeally low standards. Living in a closet for 25 years will do that to you.
That is neither here nor there. We have more important fish to fry, larger problems to solve, bigger breasts to never mind, it was just going to get ugly. At any rate, this month I want to talk to you about money. Large amounts of money, Powerball money, Bill Gates-type money, more money than you can even conceive.
It occurred to me recently that most folks that have that sort of money don't know what to do with it. They keep working harder and harder, always adding to their already monstrous piles of cash. Somewhere along the way they forgot the true purpose of money. They forgot that it is all about spending it, preferably on really stupid goods and services.
With that in mind, as a public service, I am going to give you a few tips on fun ways to spend really large sums of money quickly and easily. If you happen to be an incredibly wealthy (as so many members of the Skip Army no doubt are), please feel free to contact me here at the 'times and we will schedule up some quality time. Just you, me, large sums of your money and the strippers. Otherwise, feel free to read on and learn how spend large chunks of cash quickly and efficiently.
Never Buy Gas Again - Every time you run out of gas, call up a cab (or better yet, a limo) and go to the nearest automobile dealer. Instead of buying gas, buy a new car with a full tank. As an added bonus, make sure that you dress poorly so the salespeople are loathe to help you. Imagine the look on their faces when the trainee they finally send out to help you sells a thirty thousand dollar car on the spot.
Conduct Scientific Studies - Hire one male and one female prostitute (make sure they are attractive) and have them go into a singles bar to see who can have the most sex in a four hour period.
Conduct Scientific Studies pt II - Go into your local strip club and place a stack of crisp hundred dollar bills in front of you. Make note of how popular you are. Wait a few months and return to the same club but without the hundreds, see if your popularity suffers. Try the same experiment at the local singles bar. Compare and contrast your findings.
The Joy of Thugs - Hire a group of toughs to beat up Bill Gates and take his lunch money for a week, just to prove that he s still a nerd.
Money for Nothing - Go into a diner and order a cup of coffee. Sit there for about two hours and see if they hassle you. If they don't, leave a $10,000 tip. If they do, leave them a dollar and a note explaining that you are an eccentric billionaire searching for a little human kindness and explain about the tip. Stand in the window and enjoy the looks on their faces when they see the tip/note.
And the Walls Came Down - Buy yourself a nice house in the country. Then tear it down with dynamite.
And the Walls Came Down pt II - Buy yourself a nice house in the country. Then tear it down with a sledgehammer.
This One's on Me - Buy a round for the house at every baseball stadium in the country.
Clothes Make the Man - Reenact the shopping scene from "Pretty Woman" using a real hooker.
Indecent Proposal - Go to Vegas, offer random strangers a million dollars to sleep with their wife. If they say yes, offer them two million if they'll tape it for you.
Never Miss Another Episode - Order videos of your favorite shows directly from the studios. Pay them extra if the show was cancelled and they have to hire all of the actors back.
The Joy of Winning - Buy a baseball team, get rid of all of the players and replace them with your own friends and family. Offer Roger Clemens $50 million a year to pitch for you and then find out how important a World Series Ring really is to him (this will work for your favorite greedy player).
The Joy of Winning pt II - Buy a baseball team, announce you are going to move unless you are allowed to play all of your games at a local high school field for free.
The Joy of Winning pt III - Buy a baseball team, move it to Anchorage.
Be a Player - Start your own film studio, resurrect the noble tradition of the casting couch.
The Second Amendment - Start your own militia. Get them all worked up about black helicopters and the tri-lateral commission. Buy them lots of firearms (through a third party of course) and then rat them out to the ATF. Watch the fireworks, repeat as needed.
Get Involved - Buy yourself a few local politicians. They are easy to care for and they make great gifts.
Be an Entrepreneur - Open a combination stripclub/brothel/Laundromat. Guys can stare at the girls, have sex with the girls, have the girls do their laundry. Talk about one stop shopping.
Join the Republican Party - You can finally afford the cover.
Get Involved pt II - Run for President. Base your platform on afternoon naps and legalized gambling/prostitution/drugs. Offer everyone who votes for you a hundred bucks and see how you do. It s easy and fun.Be a Player pt II - Start hanging with the Hollywood crowd, force them to watch reruns of Hogan's Heroes with you if they want their movies financed. Then pull the plug on the financing in favor of a big screen remake of Hogan's Heroes starring Robert DeNiro as Hogan and Sir Anthony Hopkins as Col. Klinck.
Get Involved pt III - Feed the hungry, buy Calista Flockhart a sandwich every day for year.
Be a Player pt IV - Buy yourself an entourage, you deserve it.
Remember folks, it s no crime to be rich, it s only a crime to not enjoy being rich.
