Volume 4, Number 3
March, 1999
Skippy Gets Lazy...
Hey kids!
Skippy is here with you once again, making sense of a senseless world for the clueless (yes, that would be you). You know kids, your Ol' Unca Skip had a bunch of really good column ideas ready to go for this month, network TV, Bill Murray, the meaning of life, unfortunately I didn't have the energy to actually write any of those. So instead I've decided to grace these pages our favorite semi-regular feature "People that Piss Skippy Off". So let's not delay any longer shall we? I'm sure that you are all anxious to see if you made this month's list.
People that wait for a parking space - Chances are, if you are an American you are overweight. So for the love of God, keep driving, park twenty feet farther away and burn a calorie or two. I don't mind if you pull up and the reverse lights are on, I am not unreasonable. But if they aren't even in the car yet, accept that your timing isn't what it ought to be and keep moving.
People that use turn signals when merging on the highway - Far be it from me to discourage anyone from using their turn signals (the little lever on the side of your steering column for those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about). But when you are barreling down the onramp at 60 miles an hour, we all know where you are going, concentrate on not hitting me.
People that use all caps in an email - STOP, STOP, STOP, HIT THE DAMN CAPS LOCK KEY ONCE IN A WHILE, YOU ARE GIVING ME A HEADACHE.
People that send chain emails - I don't need the crutch of random superstition to get through daily life, I have alcohol.
People that whine about junk email - It's called a delete key, use it and shut up. If you weren't spending all that time at porn sites you wouldn't be on so many lists now would you?
People that don't leave messages - Yes, I am screening my calls.
Men that complain about losing touch with their masculinity because of their soft modern lives - I have news for you friend, if you had ever really been in touch with your masculine side, the modern world could never have taken it away. That's why we have football.
Women who complain there are no nice guys anymore - Sure there are ladies, the nice guys are those ones that you ignore at the nightclubs all of the time.
Ex-NBA Fans - Give me a break, you just caught on that the NBA was full of nothing but greedy posers? Where have you been, under a rock?
Concert Critics - What exactly is the purpose of reviewing a concert that happened last night and that I have no chance of ever seeing no matter how good it was? Quite a few jobs are expendable (NFL officials come to mind), but you are in the most useless line of work since buggy whip makers.
The Religious Right - I want to go to hell, OK? Seems like they probably party there.
Anyone in line ahead of me anytime, anywhere, for any reason - Get the hell out of my way, do you think I don't have things to do than stand behind you all day?
Anyone in line behind me anytime, anywhere, for any reason - Whoa! Slow down there, Hoss. It's not like you have anything that critical to do.
People who sing along with the radio in my presence - You want to sing in the shower, you go right ahead. Don't force your creaky pipes on my tender ears. I have had more than one experience of having to listen to my favorite song butchered by someone who probably shouldn't be breathing, let alone singing.
Clinton Haters - Get over it folks, we put up with the Reagan/Bush nightmare for 12 years, you owe us four more with Gore (hey, that's a catchy slogan) and then, and only then, will we be even.
Recreational Softball Players without a sense of humor - It's a game folks! More than that, if you were any good at it you wouldn't be on the same field as me. Lighten up, enjoy yourself, spit a little, scratch a little, maybe get dirty, then we'll all go have a beer. Which frankly, is the only reason most of us are out here.
Liberals - OK, let's see if we can clear things up for you. People are generally stupid and bad and oftentimes need to be locked up for the good of society. If you do something wrong, it's your fault, not your parents or society or the drugs. People of different races, national backgrounds, cultures and genders tend to have different viewpoints on most things, you can respect those people without ignoring those differences. On the whole, this is a pretty good country to live in. Just because you can get naked doesn't mean you should.
Conservatives - Again, let's try and clear a few things up. The death penalty does not deter crime. It's my bedroom, stay the hell out of it. Abortion is a religious issue, not a political one. Minorities in general have gotten screwed through the ages in this country and oftentimes have a legitimate beef. There is no such thing as reverse discrimination. The Republican Party is for rich people. Believe it or not, being born white and American doesn't necessarily mean that God likes you better.
Well that about does it for me. If you didn't make the list, don't worry, I'm sure you will be there eventually. I probably just haven't met you yet.
Copyrights 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999 by the Author, and SCROOMcomm, Ltd.