Volume 3, Number 8
August, 1998
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23 Reasons...
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by Dave Lind |
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If you're the type of fan who reads the preseason football mags (and what football fan worth his cheezy-poofs isn't?), you may have already seen the latest issue of Athlon Sports College Football 1998. In it you will find a marvelously written, well-articulated article entitled "quot;23 Reasons Why College Football is Better Than Pro."quot; As the title implies, the author carefully lists and argues 23 different areas where the professional game fails to measure up to it's collegiate counterpart.
There is just one problem: It was written by a chick.
You just knew this sort of thing was going to happen when we started letting women watch football.
Still, since the public forum has been polluted by this clearly deranged female's unenlightened ramblings, I feel compelled to clean up her mess with the following rebuttal cleverly entitled:
Screw You and Your 23 Reasons
- Saturday Afternoon is Better than Monday Night - The Chick argues here that since Saturday is better than Monday, Saturday Football must be better than Monday Football. Obviously she speaks as a woman who does not know what it's like to try to watch a ball game with your wife nagging over your shoulder to "quot;Mow the lawn"quot;, "quot;Clean the gutters"quot;, "quot;Spend time with me"quot;, "quot;Drive Junior to the emergency room"quot;. As any man knows, Monday night has been carefully carved out as the one time of the week when, for three solid hours, we CANNOT be denied football, and we oftentimes have to hide out at the bar to ensure this privilege remains intact.
- Live Mascots - Here the Chick seems to think that parading a live buffalo across the field at halftime somehow adds to the overall football experience. Excuse me, but isn't halftime when you're supposed to empty your bladder and fill your beer mug? Helloooo!
- The Oklahoma Sooners will never move to Nashville and become the Oilers - Here The Chick seems to feel that the relocation of a football team from one city to another makes even the slightest difference to football fans in general. Honestly, most of us don't care, even the 600 or so fans in Houston who were abandoned by the Oilers. In fact, truth be told, they're probably better off now, since they are no longer subject to home blackouts and can actually see their team on TV from time to time.
- Service Academies - This one is just too much. Here the Chick tries to rhapsodize about the honor and tradition that is still embodied by the likes of Army and Navy. You know what I feel whenever I watch a service academy play? Pity. The Army-Navy game hasn't meant anything to anyone outside their respective armed services for 150 million years, and it never will again because no athlete with any real ability will ever attend a service academy again because of the military commitment. But if you're interested in watching second-rate athletes with shaved heads drop passes and miss tackles....
- Tailgating Traditions - This is one I'll have to grant to The Chick. College football crowds are much better at pregame revelry than their pro counterparts. Of course, the same could be said of soccer fans, but I'm still not convinced that this criteria has any bearing on the quality of football being played.
- A college has yet to rename its stadium 3COM Park - No, but they have brought us the Poulan Weed eater Bowl, the Alamo Rentacar Bowl, the Insight.Com Bowl, etc,....
- Fight Songs - Here The Chick cites music as being an integral part of the football watching experience and specifically singles out the War Chant at Florida State games as an example. The War Chant? Sixty thousand drunks groaning in unison is music? Besides, the only music any football fan ever needs to hear is the Star Spangled Banner (and sing it quickly, dammit!)
- Accessible games and Family traditions - Here The Chick whines about the cost of taking the family to see a football game and raves about the diversity of college teams to choose from, naming Slippery Rock, Boise, Orono, Storrs, Flagstaff, Las Cruces, and others. First, families do not belong at a football game, MEN do! No human being in the history of mankind has ever uttered the words, "quot;Boy, am I looking forward to that big Boise vs Flagstaff game this weekend!"quot;
- Nicknames make sense - Here The Chick praises the Boilermakers, Buckeyes, Corn huskers, and Longhorns as examples of team nicknames that make sense. Forgive me, perhaps you are a blonde or have some other sort of developmental disorder, but I was unaware the nicknames like the Cowboys, Steelers, or Vikings were that far beyond your feeble grasp.
- Better marching bands - MARCHING BANDS! What the hell does this Chick even watch football for? Here we are nearly halfway through the list and she hasn't even mentioned anything at all about the actual game of football! Instead she's all wrapped up in marching bands and fight songs. Next thing you know she'll be whining about the lack of male cheerleaders in the NFL.
- Real Cheerleaders - Oh, this is just too much. Now The Chick says that "quot;Cheerleading qualifies as a sport"quot;. Then she goes on to point out the difference between the cheerleading squads of college football and the dance teams of the NFL, stating (brace yourself), "quot;We prefer cheerleading as opposed to those cheesy pro dancers, whose chief activity seems to be flashing cleavage."quot; Well, pardon me for being honest here, but cleavage is good. Cleavage is healthy. There is certainly a place in football for cleavage. In fact, on the basis of cleavage alone, I think the NFL is clearly the hands down winner.
- Regional rivalries - Here the Chick seems not to have ever heard of such rivalries as the Bears vs Packers, Chiefs vs Broncos, or Raiders vs Anybody. If it's rivalries you want, look no further than the NFL, where some of the best play not once a year, but TWICE! And we're not talking about the lop-sided once-per-year 77-6 pasting Michigan gives to Minnesota.
- The college revelry atmosphere - Here, again, The Chick seems to think that drunken Texas Longhorn fans falling out of hotel windows somehow adds something to the game. One more time, if it's drunken mayhem you're after, go watch soccer or Australian Rules Football, but leave us alone.
- Every game means something - Unless you lose. Then you can peel off ten wins in a row and still not even be considered for a shot at the title. In fact, you could win all 12 of your regular season games, roll to victory over a highly ranked team in your bowl game, and still not be granted even a share of the national championship because a bunch of chain-smoking literary hacks who never set a cleated foot on a gridiron have decided in advance that Tom Osborne is a really nice guy and its time to give him that Lifetime Achievement Award he so richly deserves.
- College towns - Oh, yeah. Laramie, Las Cruces, Fresno. These are places I wanna go to see a football game.
- College teams have recognizable uniforms, and better helmets - This one isn't even close. The Chick cites as her prime example the uniforms of the Penn State Nitany Lions. I shouldn't even have to explain this, but I will. Penn State's uniforms are beyond hideous, they transcend putrid, they are borderline criminally offensive. And while I will stipulate that the uniforms of teams like the Broncos and Ravens leave much to be desired, they are still vastly superior to some of the fish-net, half-shirt, good-will rags most college teams are decked out in.
- Bowl Games - At one time I would have agreed with this argument, but no more. Not since the number of Bowl Game exploded from a mere handful to the nearly quarter-of-a-million or so we have now. Call me a purist, but I don't think a 6-5-1 season should be sufficient to warrant a bowl appearance. Also, dare I mention the Poulan Weed eater Bowl, the Carquest Auto Bowl, The Insight.Com Bowl, The....
- College coaches are more interesting, and have more romantic names - "quot;More Romantic Names?"quot; Excuse me, but now I just feel dirty.
- Less Corruption - (Ten or twenty solid minutes of laughter). Excuse me, but The Chick has really outdone herself this time. The NCAA is LESS corrupt than the NFL? In whose dark, twisted reality, sister. This about the people who take 18 year old kids and, under the guise of scholastic athletics, pump them full of steroids, market them like show dogs, coddle and pamper the troublemakers so long as they can catch a pass or run for a touchdown, exploit their talents for financial bonanzas while denying them even the right to look for a part-time job, then boot them out the front door with a set of bad knees and a virtually useless degree in sports psychology. Oh, yeah. The NCAA is FAR less corrupt than the NFL.
- No free agency - Ah! So indentured servitude is a good thing, now? While I will stipulate that, in a perfect world, Marcus Allen would have remained a Raider for life and Joe Montana would have retired as a Niner, I can't help but think that somewhere there is a Chiefs fan or two who would tend to disagree. Emotional attachments aside, free agency has not hurt pro football. Get over it.
- Pep rally bonfires - Drunken college students playing with fire. Now there's a good idea.
- Helmet Stickers - Here is one point I will grant the The Chick. Helmet stickers are a pretty cool idea. Though I have to admit I always feel sorry for the poor pathetic bastard running around out there with no stickers at all on his helmet as if to say, "quot;Hey, look at me! I haven't done a damn thing this year!"quot;
- The Heisman Trophy - Finally, The Chick fully reveals the true
depths of her football ignorance. Quote: "quot;The Heisman Trophy
has, since 1939, been the most recognized symbol of individual
excellence in all of sports."quot; To this I can only say:
Vinny Testaverde.
Ty Detmer.
Andre Ware.
Charlie Ward.
Gino Toretta.
Be good to each other.