Commonwealth Network
  
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 Volume 3, Number 6 June, 1998  It's a Party and You are Invited Hey there little ones! Unca' Skippy is back with you again. Happy about that aren't you? I bet you sit at home waiting for the screen to change every month huh? I'll bet that even now you are reading this very slowly in order to make your time with me last just a little longer aren't you? That's OK kids, I understand what you're feeling. Well not really understand exactly because I'm not a pathetic lowlife who has to turn to the internet for wisdom. But I do empathize with what you are going through right now. Well OK, I don't really care about what you are going through because I find you repulsive. But I can sort of conceive it on an intellectual level, but that's only because I'm smarter than you, so don't feel bad...or feel bad, whatever, I don't care. You know kids, it has been awhile since I unloaded some of my fine high quality political punditry on you (cause I am "the world's leader in political punditry"). It has been even longer since I gave you the benefit of my extensive advertising knowledge. So to make up for it, I am going to hit both in one shot with this month's column. This month I am going to explain to you the Republican party's dirty little secret. I am going to show you how the avowed party of the rich and near rich consistently manage to get poor schlubs like you to vote for them election after election. We all know that the Republican party is the party of the rich. I've gone over this before and I don't see the need to rehash. Yet somehow, the Republicans always seem to manage to get more votes than there are rich people. How do they manage this trick? How is it that people who couldn't possibly benefit from a Republican stewardship vote for Republican candidates time after time? That kids is the moral of today's story, and it ties the advertising aspect of our missive in quite nicely. Simply put, the Republicans are still a viable party in the American political spectrum because they blow so much smoke that you would think it was summer in San Francisco. They wield power that goes far beyond their natural political base simply because they have successfully sold the American people a bill of goods that has nothing to do with their actual political aims. The Republican Party is in business to enable wealthy people to keep as much of their money as possible. Forget everything else they might tell you, if they were a business that would be their mission statement. I have said it before and I will say it again, there is nothing inherently wrong with this point of view. We all want to keep as much of our money as possible, they just have more of it to keep. The Republicans are smart enough to realize that if this were common knowledge then Joe Lunchpail is a Democrat for life. They know that if they are going to get Joe's vote, they had better come up with an issue that he cares about and can identify with on a personal level. This is where the "Family Values" platform and the "Morality" platform comes into play. Now pay attention folks because this is an elegant little scam. The Republicans know that laws don't really apply to them. Oh sure you will occasionally see a rich guy get popped for child molestation or some such thing and spend a few months in jail, but that is just to throw you off the scent. The real Republicans in this country worry about getting arrested on a morals charge as much as you worry about getting nailed for jaywalking. In fact they probably worry about it less. After all, if you do get caught for jaywalking you will have to pay a fine. Republicans? They would have the cop that wrote that ticket taken out and shot, and they would probably have his commander flogged for running such a sloppy operation. Try this, come up with a single issue that Republicans harp on that they would ever be affected by. Drugs, abortion, prayer in school, the death penalty, violence on television or in the movies, pornography, you name it. There isn't a single plank in the Republican platform that will have any effect on them whether they are enacted or not. When Ed Meese suggested ripping the doors of the stalls in adult bookstores do you honestly think that any Republicans were going to get caught with their pants down? Hell, why go to an adult bookstore when you can have the finest Swedish porn available today on your home theater system. No kids, you are going to be the poor bastard with his thing in his hand when the cops bust in the stall door. So basically the Republicans and their handlers sit back and read the papers and pick the issues that they know will strike an emotional chord with the voters. Then they come up with the lowest common denominator and Joe Lunchpail laps it up like sweet cream. Meanwhile they slip through the occasional capital gains tax cut and nobody is the wiser. You have to admit that it's a pretty sweet system for the folks with the healthy bank accounts. Heck it's almost reason enough to be rich. If only you didn't have to wear those doofy white shoes. 
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