Volume 1, Number 3.1
January, 1998
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The Glory of the Superbowl
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by The Professor |
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As I write these words, I do not yet know who will be facing off on in
Super Bowl XXXII, but I do know that the game will be played, and that
is enough for me.
Super Bowl Sunday is, for you heathens out there, the Highest Holy day
of the year. It is the day when the combined energies of the entire
pantheon of Football Gods converge on a single location, usually New
Orleans or Pasadena, and grace us mere mortals with the closest Earthly
experience to Nirvana: The Super Bowl.
I hear you out there, my faithful followers, wondering to thyselves,
"How doth we best observeth this, thy most hallowed of days?"
Verily shall I share with you some of the Professor's time-honored
Super Bowl rituals.
"Pray, tell us, oh enlightened one."
Shut up, I'm getting to it!
First, and most importantly, proper Super Bowl Observance begins years
before kickoff. It begins at birth, for, as is inscribed in the sacred
tablets handed down from on high to George Halas himself, you must be a
man to properly observe Super Bowl Sunday. This is not the Professor's
ruling, this is the law of the Gods Themselves. I'd show you the
transcription but according to Football Holy Law, any nonbelievers who
gaze upon the sacred tablets shall have their eyes burst from their
sockets in a torrent of molten fire. And I don't think anyone wants
that.
Second, you must establish as early as is humanly possible (preferably
shortly after birth...wait, can I say afterbirth?) an uncompromising
policy of Super Bowl Observance. This must be fixed and
non-negotiable. It is best that this policy is firmly in place prior to
entering into any long-term relationships. If you are already in a
long-term relationship and have not yet established this policy, break
off the relationship, establish the policy, and then start a new
long-term relationship. Else the person with whom you share your bed
and who endeavors to deny you your God-given right to command the remote
control might get it into her silly head that you can be induced to
forego the Super Bowl this year to attend her mother's funeral or the
birth of your children.
Third, now that you are male and have established your uncompromising
policy of strict Super Bowl Observance, you must acquaint yourselves
with your Super Bowl Heritage. The Football Gods love nothing more than
knowledgeable, respectful followers and will heap their love generously
upon any who can recount Garo Yepremian's botched field goal, Jack
Tatum's hit on Sammy White, or the time Fred "The Hammer" Williamson got
knocked out. If you are already well-knowledgeable of such things, go
with God. If you need someone to explain to you what "Ghost to the
Post" means, hit the books.
Ok, you are now ready for Super Bowl Sunday Observance. If this is
your first such Holy Observance, I would suggest attending the
Observance at the home of an elder follower. If you wish to hold the
Observance at your own home, I offer the following tips.
- Prepare in advance. Purchase sufficient quantities of food and beverages. Don't get fancy. Chips, pretzels, peanuts, beer, and soda should be all you need. No faggoty-ass French pastries or sissy mineral water. And for God's sake, no wine coolers!
- Arrange your furniture in a strategic fashion. Try to provide as much seating as possible without compromising line-of-sight. Make sure the routes to the refrigerator and the bathroom do not cross in front of the TV. People pay a lot of money to make those commercials and they deserve to be seen. Plus, some of them are quite good and add to the Observance experience.
- During the pregame ceremonies, hold a special moment of observance for those who have gone before us. Personally, I like to light a candle for each of the Super Bowls that preceded us, plus a big one for the upcoming Observance. Also, Gregorian Chant music is not overboard.
- Finally, it is imperative that you wear team colors during the game. Whether they be the colors of your favorite team or of the team you are backing in the Super Bowl, you must show a team affiliation. These are your sacred vestments and to shun them is to draw the disfavor of the Football Gods.
Now, my children, you are ready to observe the High Holy Day. Go
forth, and rejoice in the glory of the Super Bowl.