Volume 2 , Number 10
October , 1997
A Democratic Fixer-Upper
Hey kids!
Skipman here with you once again. You know it's been awhile, so I feel
like we're due for another shot of politics. I know, I know, right now
you're scurrying away from the screen like a senator at a cheap motel
when the press bursts in, but trust me, this'll be fun. What we're
going to study today class, is how to fix the Democratic Party. Now
you're thinking to yourself, "Hey, aren't the Democrats already in
the Whitehouse?" Yes, they do have a tenuous grasp on the big house
at this point, but let's face it, with Clinton's somewhat shaky hold
on the public's heart, they could blow it at any time. No, what we're
talking about is fixing the core of the Democratic Party. We want to
make the party strong enough to not only take the Big house, but stomp
the living hell out of the Republicans during the next off-year and
send them whimpering back into the hills.
Lesson One:
Stop being such a pack of wienies. You all know what I'm
talking about, anytime you have an interview involving a Democrat & a
Republican, who comes out looking tougher? You're damn right it's the
Republican. The Democrat always comes off as being apologetic for
holding an opinion, it's pathetic. Look at capital punishment, the
Republicans talk about justice, vengeance and deterrence. What do the
Democrats talk about? They talk about rehabilitation, morality and
forgiveness. Who do you think Joe six-pack is going to vote for? If
you need a hint, look at congress' current make-up. You want to argue
against the death penalty, simple, tell them that it costs more to kill
an inmate than keep him locked up for the rest of his miserable life.
Better yet, go with the tried and true "Killing's too good for that
swine, send the louse to prison and let him be gang raped for the next
sixty or so years." That tack will get Joe's attention.
Lesson Two:
Many of our policies suck wind. Let's face facts, welfare
has not solved the problem. We've given it a thirty year test run and
it just isn't working. Let's be big enough to say that we were wrong
on this one. Let's take a fresh look at this problem, a few decades
have passed, maybe we can see it from a different angle. I know this
is going to sound awfully Republican of me, but work is important. It
doesn't matter if you're just going out to sweep the damn street, it
means more when you work for the money. The only way you are going to
break up the cycle is to show the kids from the very start - you have
to work if you want money. We have a bunch of other stupid policies,
but I think we've made a start.
Lesson Three:
How about a decent presidential candidate for once? Don't get me wrong, I like Bill Clinton, I voted for him twice and would probably do so again. Any man that the American public thinks is too smart must be okay. The problem with Bill is that he really doesn't inspire too much...well too much anything, really. He does inspire loathing of course, but not as much as his wife. Let's again face the cold hard facts, Bill is the kind of politician who can make you love him for just long enough to get elected, and then leave you wondering what the hell you were thinking. We need someone for the masses to trust. One question, has anyone in the Democratic Party ever heard of the term "background check?" I'm thinking they cut class that day in political handlers' school.
Lesson Four:
Can the wimpy Hollywood stars. The Republicans have
Charleton Heston, Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis. Who do the Democrats
attract, Alan Alda, Warren Beatty and Barbra Streisand, for God's sake!
We need to do better, folks! Look at Colin Powell - ever listen to his
politics? That man is a Democrat if ever there was one. It says something
about your party when a guy like Powell is considered a moderate
Republican. It is a little known fact that Bruce Willis was, at one time,
a Democrat. How could we lose him? Look at who this man is married to!
He's not a Democrat? Please tell me what the hell is wrong with our
party!
Lesson Five:
Appoint James Carville chairman-for-life of the DNC. James
is just the sort of unapologetic in-your-face Democrat that we need
right now. J.C. doesn't cower before the Republicans on the talk shows,
he whips on them. That is what the Democratic party needs to be,
compassionate with a little bit of kick-ass thrown in for good measure.
Simple, isn't it kids? Basically all the Democrats have to do is stop
being sorry that they are Democrats. Stop believing this foolishness
that everyone's opinion is valid. Everyone's opinion is not valid and
some people ought to be strung up by their thumbs for holding the
opinions they do. Once we stop letting the Republicans dominate this
"I'm tougher than you" game that we play, we can start winning some
elections and stop whining.
