Volume 2 , Number 10
October , 1997
Hugs and Bunnies
by Pelican Smith
Welcome back to Geek Land! This month we are talking about
pornography, bestiality, hatred, mischief and getting drunk
at football games.
What's that? I promised that this month I'd be looking into
the happier side of the Internet? The cute, cheerful,
emotion-coaching side? Oh my god, do we have to?
Basically, yes, we do. My family and friends are getting very
concerned about me. Three months of hackers and criminals and
pimps and drug addicts being invited into our home has
frightened the children. I need to make up for that by doing
something, um, wholesome, I guess.
I don't know about you, but when I first started thinking about
the happy people on the Internet, I think of those lovable
kidders on IRC channels like #friendlychat and #30+Cyberfriends.
LOL.
(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*) Hugs (*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)!!!!!
Yeah, those guys are great.
Did I tell you about the last person I met on IRC in one of
these channels. A nice lady named Queeny. Queeny told me she
weighs over 300 pounds, and is heavily (no pun intended) into
personal body odors. Everyone thought that was just great. I
have to admit I was rather surprised.
What the hell am I saying. Queeny is a fat, smelly bitch who
has found computers to be the great equalizer. This chick's
so fat when her beeper goes off people think she is backing
up. She qualifies for group insurance. She has shock absorbers
on her toilet seat. She's got tan lines from the refrigerator
light. She's so smelly she has to sneak up on bathwater. She
made Right Guard turn left. Trust me, I'm being polite!
pant..pant..pant...
OK, let's get back on target. You're gonna love this site.
Check out the
Virtual
Hugs and Kisses Homepage. Yes, now you can send a fluffy
bunny hug, a scary spider hug, or a tiny teddy hug to a dear
friend.
I know what you'er thinking, but no, you can't use this page
to mailbomb your enemies. I tried. The server only sends a
notice to the individual, who then goes to the web page to
review the fluffy bunny crap.
Here's some more crap, the
Teddy Bears Mailing List
Homepage. I don't know. I didn't even read it. Some crap.
Teddy Bears or something. I found the
Cocky
and Spunky page to be much more entertaining, and it was
also related to cute fuzzy animals, so that's pretty happy,
pretty wonderful, I guess. How 'bout the
Bunny
Torture page, or the
alt.Devilbunnies
homepage? Bet you never knew what bunnies were capable of
anyway, did you?
OK, this isn't necessarily right on track, so lets start
looking for happy people. You know, family related sites,
like the Building Happy
Families page. This is where you find out how screwed up
you are, and all the things you are doing wrong to ruin your
kids' lives. Great. Makes me feel a whole lot better. Probably
maintained by a bunch of jerks with a holier-than-thou attitude
anyway. Just what's wrong with my family anyway? Sure, we're
not happy, but we don't write homepages about it. Oh, I guess
we do.
I found a girlfriend for Skippy: the
Misanthropic
Bitch. I especially like the following quote:
Let's kill the fat people, cook up their flesh, and serve it to hungry people.
This has been a total disaster. What was I talking about anyway?
Who cares. Look folks, the Internet is full of wacko's and
perverts and various scum. Those people who are normal by day
will act like scum when they get on the Internet. And
you know why? Because they can. The constitution says so.