Volume 2 , Number 10
October , 1997
Get Lost!
by Fiona Jane
I'm looking forward to telling my mother that I have lost my job.
For the eighteen years that I lived with her, she always knew how
to find everything else I lost.
Occasionally she would go with the inane "Well, where did you leave
it?" but generally she'd offer the helpful "Where was the last place
that you saw it?". From there, we'd trace the steps of the missing
object until we found it. Wedged down the side of the bed, accidentally
tossed into the rubbish, or prised from the dog's jaws, it didn't
matter where - she could always find whatever had been lost.
I only grew to appreciate and resent the efficiency of her careful
detective work as an adolescent. It became important to find things
before she did. "Mom, have you seen a small bag of illegal substances
anywhere?" - not likely! "Mom where did I put that fake ID that I use
when I go out drinking?" - I don't think so.
Anyway, while my skill at finding things that I had lost definitely
improved, it certainly didn't measure up to hers. I'm thinking of
placing an advertisement in all the local papers along these lines:
Just imagine the replies she'd get.
"Hello, my name's John and I'm an accountant. When I was at college,
I really used to enjoy good practical (and even non-practical) jokes,
but lately I just can't laugh at all. I guess what I'm trying to say
is that... well... I've lost my sense of humour. Can you help me find it?"
"I'm Teena from Arkansas, and I'm 13 years old. My brother and I were
fooling around in the barn as usual when we came across one of those
Cosmopolitan Magazines. We read some of the simpler articles, and it
said that we'd lost our virginity about 4 years ago. We don't quite
know what it looks like, so how can we find it?"
"Hi, my name's Bobbi-Jo. I'm a professional yodeller, I wear tasselled
clothes with matching fake leather boots, and as if that's not enough,
I also go out and get really smashed most weeknights. I then sit outside
my ex-boyfriends house and yodel all of our favourite songs until I pass
out. I think I may have lost all my dignity; can you please, please
help?"
"This is Bill Clinton, you know. from the White House? And I've lost
my credibility with the American people. James Carville is busy boinking
his wife, do have a little time?"
Anyway, I'd better be going, good reader... Time to ring mom, I think
I've lost my mind!
