Volume 2, Number 8
August, 1997
Let Us Gather at the River
By The Professor
Can you feel it? Can you feel the grace and the majesty that is coming? In
just a few short weeks the second holiest day of the year will be upon us.
Are you ready to worship in a manner worthy of a committed acolyte? Or will
you stumble through the high holy day as a nonbeliever?
At the end of this month we will witness once again the glory that is NFL
football. The power, the speed, the vicious ballet will descend upon us once
more to enliven our existence. This is a day for rejoicing, for celebration,
for contemplation on the meaning of being a man.
As a public service I am here to help you worship correctly. I have seen far
too many men attempt things that shouldn't be attempted on this day. With
luck, perhaps I can keep you from making those same mistakes. With that in
mind, here is an easy to follow guide for making this Opening Day the best
ever.
NFL Opening Day is a special time. Alone among the major sports, NFL OD
really is opening day for the entire league. Unlike other pursuits where
your team may not play until nearly a week after "opening day". Football
starts everyone at once (aside from the Monday Night Game, which is really
just dessert) so you know when your favorite team's first game is. This year
we have the luck of having a day off after NFLOD. I think this is a fine
idea and would urge Congress to consider making it a permanent holiday.
So how do we celebrate? Well first of all you have to realize that NFLOD
really begins the night before on NFL Opening Day Eve. You need a good
way to prepare yourself for the grueling hours of worship that are ahead.
My fellow believers and I like a good poker game on NFLODE. It relaxes
us, gives us a chance to talk as much or as little football as we want
and enables us to drink beer in a semi-social setting. It is also a perfect
time to say good-bye to the significant others that we will be ignoring
for the next four and a half months. I have heard of some men that hold
lavish parties featuring NFL highlights or "football movies". I strongly
caution against this though, it will just whet your appetite too soon
and interfere with your ability to sleep, making you tired and worn out
for NFLOD.
Another consideration for NFLOD is where in the country you are worshipping.
If you are on the east coast then you will need to adjust these suggestions
accordingly. A good idea for you east coasters is to get extremely drunk on
NFLODE. That way you can sleep in more easily. If you are on the west coast
where the games start at a ridiculously early hour, then moderation is the
key.
The first integral part of your NFLOD worship is your attire. It should
involve some representation of your favorite team. For those of you who are
advanced enough I would suggest team jersey over team T-shirt topped off by
team hat. That way if you get too hot later and remove the jersey you still
have the T-shirt. If you get too drunk later and remove the T-shirt as well
then you still have the hat. If you are so far gone that the hat comes off,
well then trust me, team socks and underwear aren't going to help. Those of
you just starting on the long road to football fandom can get by with just a
T-shirt or hat.
Once you are assembled with your worshippers it is time for the second
integral part of the NFLOD festivities. ( A word about the size of your
group, keep it small, keep it fanatical, keep it male. Large groups tend
to get distracted too easily. The same goes for groups that contain too
many dilettantes that are just there for the social aspects. Do we really
need to go over the women and football
thing again?) By this time you have sent the women to wherever it is they
go during football season. It is time for the big breakfast, no scratch
that, it is time for the BIG BREAKFAST. The key to a successful BB is twofold.
The first key is to have far too much food. The second key is to not miss
any of the festivities while cooking. That is why we have found that a BB
cooked in the same room as the television is the way to go. Fireplace,
Wood stove, Grill or hotplate, anything that you can put in sight of the
television will work. Naturally cooking your BB over a crackling fire is
the best way to connect to the primitive instincts that make football so
special. If however you are forced to go the hotplate route, do not be
embarrassed. A BB cooked on a hotplate while watching the pregame shows
is far better than one cooked over a redwood bonfire with no television
nearby.
At this point, once you have finished your BB and the games have commenced
it is time to let the instincts take over. Sit back, get comfortable, belch,
scratch, be a man for Lombardi's sake. I won't insult your beliefs by
telling you how to watch football. I will mention one thing though, don't
feel any guilt about making snide sexual comments about the cheerleaders,
it's why they have them. So enjoy NFLOD gentlemen, it is the one still pure
high holy day on the football calendar. It is the last day that we can sit
around, enjoy the crushing spectacle that is the NFL in all it's glory. The
highest of holy days, the Super Bowl is becoming far too accessible to the
nonbelievers. Why, even we had women at last year's game.
Luckily for us, the neophytes haven't encroached on NFLOD as yet, enjoy
it while it lasts.