Volume 2, Number 7 -- July, 1997
The All Star Break By The Professor
The All Star break is upon us and you know what that means.
That's right, nothing. Absolutely nothing. Zip. Nada. Zero.
Tino Martinez wins the home run title, the AL wins the
game. Sandy Alomar Jr wins the MVP and none of it matters.
In fact, the All Star break can actually be a bad thing if
you happen to be married to a person who views it as their
one chance to drag you away from the TV and force "
Family Time" down your throat. The nerve!
On the other hand, since the All Star break does span three
days and only provides two actual days of entertainment
(don't ask me to explain it, it makes no more sense to me
than it does to you), it does leave us with one free day
to relax and enjoy the finer things in life. Now remember,
this time is valuable and must not be squandered on silly,
meaningless pursuits. Make it a point to do something that
will enrich you and help you grow as a person. I plan to
watch the best movies ever from all the major sports.
Yes, Football, Baseball, Basketball, Hockey, Boxing, and
Golf. 'Twelve consecutive hours of uninterrupted sports
viewing on a big screen TV with surround sound and cup
holders and popcorn and no kids and ... and ... and ...
beer. Lots and lots of beer. Sound like fun? Well then, come
on in and lets see what the old Professor has in his film
library under the heading of:
BEST BASEBALL MOVIE: Major League (Charlie Sheen, Tom Bangor) RUNNER UP: Bull Durham (Kevin Costar, Tim Robins, Susan Sarandon)
Now before all you serious-type movie critics start rearing
your hair out and screaming about acting and screenplays and
character development and cinematography and all that other
happy horseshit, let me say one thing. Any movie that a chick
might have cried at is disqualified. I liked "Field of
Dreams" and "The Natural" as much as the next
guy, but the one thing we DON'T want to happen during our
Sports Film Fest is for the little woman to see what we're
watching and put down the laundry hamper to watch with us.
This is our day, or one of them anyway, and should not be
intruded upon by the enemy. Therefore, any movie that a large
number of chicks liked is not to be included.
Which is why Major League edged out Bull Durham for the
title. "Durham" had some of the best on-field
dialogue ever to grace a baseball flick but focused just
a bit too much on the "relationship" aspect of
the "broken down catcher-bimbo" relationship.
In "Major League", the "broken down
catcher-bimbo" relationship was secondary to the
primary plot line: beating the Yankees and winning the
pennant. Besides, any movie with Susan Sarandon in it
loses points automatically.
Now, since we opened with a whimsical, light-hearted comedy
I think it's time we moved on to something with a little
more bite (no Tyson pun intended).
BEST FOOTBALL MOVIE: North Dallas Forty (Mac Davis, Nick Nolte, The Tooz) RUNNER UP: The Longest Yard (Burt Reynolds, Eddie Albert)
If any of you even think of mentioning "Jerry Maguire"
you either did not read the preceding paragraph or you should
stop reading this right now and go rearrange the doilies on
your sofa armrests.
Mac Davis and John Matuzak turn in the finest performances in
their acting careers in "North Dallas 40" as Nick
Nolte exposes drug abuse and excesses of NFL life. All this
and breast shots too.
Moving right along, it's time to see what the Hockey venue
has to offer:
BEST HOCKEY MOVIE: Slapshot (Paul Newman, the Hanson Brothers) RUNNER UP: Youngblood (Rob Lowe, Chick With a Really Nice Rack)
There should be no argument over "Slapshot" being
ranked as the best hockey flick of all time. The only
controversy might come from the lowly regarded
"Youngblood" being selected as runner up. But how
can you not like a movie who's major plot development centers
on a wimpy, sensitive sissy-boy who grows up and learns how
to drop gloves like a real man and whoop ass on the bad guy.
After "Slapshot", its time to get dramatic:
BEST BASKETBALL MOVIE: Hoosiers (Gene Hackman, Dennis Hopper) RUNNER UP: The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh (Julius Erving)
There was no real competition in this category and for good
reason. How can you beat Hackman and Hopper in the same
flick? We run the slight risk of violating the chick rule
with this one, which is why "The Fish..." was
selected as the runner up. If any chicks wander by, pop
out "Hoosiers" and jam in "The Fish..."
and watch the ladies flee.
Once the net comes down on "Hoosiers", its time
for a bit of a levity break before the grand finale:
BEST GOLF MOVIE: Caddyshack (Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, Rodney Dangerfield) RUNNER UP: Happy Gilmore (Adam Sandler, Carl Weathers')
You ladies can take "Tin Cup" and jam it. This
here is MAN territory and the men say "CADDYSHACK
RULES!" Some of the all-time funniest Bill Murray gags
came from this movie. Who can forget the Baby Ruth in the
swimming pool or "It's in the hole! It's in the hole!"
Ah, Bill. You are the man.
Now, seeing as how we're all relaxed and loosened up. We've
gone to the bathroom and popped open a fresh beer.We are
ready for the main event. We are ready for:
BEST BOXING MOVIE: Rocky (Sylvester Stallone, Carl Weathers) RUNNER UP: Diggstown (Louis Gossett Jr, James Woods, Bruce Dern)
This was by far the toughest category to rate. Every atom in
my body wanted to give the title to "Raging Bull"
on the basis of sheer blood content plus the "Joe
Pesci-Robert DeNiro yelling At Each Other" factor.
But, in the end, I decided that what this movie viewing day
needed as the perfect capper was a "Stand-Up-And-Cheer"
ending and that, my friends, can best be delivered by our
old friend Rocky, who is better in defeat than most of us
will ever be in victory.
This, then, is your Post All Star Game Movie Viewing Guide.
I only hope it will help you bridge the long, lonely hours
between the first and second halves of the season.