Volume 2, Number 2 -- February, 1997
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Volume 2, Number 2 -- February, 1997 |
What Every Boy Knows
Hey kids!
Skippy with you once more. You know folks, I have
this friend, a female friend who I do things with occasionally
when one or the other of us needs a partner of the opposite sex.
Now get your minds out of the gutter, I'm talking about dancing
or the movies you sick little thing. Until very recently, this
friend of mine was in a somewhat stable relationship. I say
somewhat stable because the relationship involved a man. One day,
this friend of mine and her man ended their relationship, and
yours truly was left the unenviable task of picking up the
pieces. My friend asks me to decode her former's utterings every
time we get together. "What did he really mean by that?"
"What do you think he really wants?" And so on, and so
on, and so on. After doing this for several weeks, it occurs to me
that you ladies out there could use the ol' Skipster's advice and
counsel.
I have always felt that it was the male of the species that
was overmatched in the dating game. The men I know are clueless
at best when it comes to women. As far as that goes, most of the
men I know are clueless when it comes to everything save drinking
beer and televised sports. The women I know, on the other hand, are
intelligent, thoughtful, sensitive and amazingly devious
creatures. So you can see why I never thought they would need my
advice on relationships. By all rights, every man in the world
should be walking around in a stupor, throwing money randomly at
jewelry stores and florists. And yet, this is rarely the case. For
some unknown reason, it is the women who spend inordinate amounts
of time trying to please and understand men.
It's time for a News Flash ladies, and I don't think the men
in the audience will mind if I let you in on our little secret.
We really aren't all that complex. It is you who are the complex
ones in this species. You are so complicated in fact, that you
have trouble comprehending just how simple we are. Our lives are
centered around just a few simple thoughts where women are
concerned. Let me list them for you so there won't be any
confusion.
Now let me explain these questions for you. Not because they
need any explanation, mind you. Right now hundreds of men are
nodding thoughtfully (for them) and wondering if I have ESP. No,
I will explain them because women need to have an explanation for
everything that we do. So let's get right to it shall we?
1. Will she have sex with me.
If a man is talking to you and he is not related by blood, he
is asking or has asked this question. It is a reflex response, we
simply cannot help ourselves. Though the more refined among us
will continue to talk to you even after we find the answer is no.
2. How long before we have sex.
If you have had sex with a man already and he is not related
by blood and he is still talking to you he is asking this
question. There is perhaps a ten minute window directly following
the act itself, but this is usually used up by going to sleep.
3. Will SHE have sex with me.
This question is directly tied to question #1. You see, just
because a man is in a committed and stable relationship with a
woman who he loves, adores and worships, he still cannot help but
ask this question of every women he meets, sees, views in a
photograph or even hears about from one of his notoriously
unreliable friends. Again, the more refined among us never move
beyond the unconscious question, but the question is there
nonetheless. This is where we get the "unable to commit"
label. It isn't that we don't want to commit to you. On the
contrary, nothing would please us more than to have question #1
answered for the rest of our lives. It is just that the minute we
give up on question #3, Hudson Leick will enter our lives with
nothing but the desire to please us carnally for all time. So you
see our predicament.
4. What time does the game come on.
If you have answered questions #1 and #2 with a firm
negative (usually involving physical pain or legal intervention)
and the man is still talking to you, this is what he is thinking
if he is an enlightened sort. If he is the average man, he is
still asking the first question. The logic being that since he
wouldn't be talking to you unless he wanted sex, then you of
course must feel the same.
Why don't we try out our new knowledge of men with these
sample situations?
Let's assume you and a man have just broken off your
relationship. He calls you after a week or so and asks you to
lunch. What does he really want? Easy, he is asking question #1.
You and your man are walking down the street and you ask him
what he is thinking. He tells you he isn't thinking about
anything in particular. What is he really thinking? This one is a
little complicated so follow along. If there is no one on the
street, he is asking either number #2 or number #4. If there
is a representation of the feminine form within his line of
sight, he is asking number #3.
You and your man finished making love nine minutes ago and
you ask him what he is thinking. Again he says nothing in
particular. What is he really thinking? Easy, question number
#4. If it had been eleven minutes, it would have been question
number #2.
So you see ladies, it isn't all that hard to understand the
male of the species. All we want is to have sex with you on a
semi-constant basis, with the freedom to have sex with other
women should the opportunity arise. It's in our genetic makeup,
we cannot help it. You might have gotten the idea from me that
there are enlightened men out there who do not ask these
questions. Trust me when I tell you that nothing could be further
from the truth. The enlightened among us already know the
answers, but it doesn't ever stop us from asking the questions. I
hope this helps you in your battle of the sexes and remember, if
you ever just need someone to talk to...
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