Volume 2, Number 11
December, 1997
by The SCROOMtimes Staff
Fat, ugly, middle-aged women around the nation can now rejoice. Their
pleas have been heard, their wish granted: Barbie, the little doll with
the perpetually perky breasts and the impossibly slender waistline, is
getting a make over.
You may have heard the complaints about how Barbie, for all her good
intentions, has wreaked an emotional holocaust on generations of women
who grew up aspiring to the unattainable ideal of beauty that Barbie
represents. You've seen them, those hordes of overweight, small-chested
women with bad hair pumping away on the exercise bikes at 24-Hour
Nautilus with that glazed look in their eyes chanting,
"Must look like Barbie. Must look like Barbie.", as they struggle
valiantly to sock away another box of Bonbons.
Sadly, it's too late to save these poor victims of "The Barbie Curse",
but it's not too late to ensure the emotional well-being of our
children. Yes, thanks to the tireless efforts of those hard working
folks at FUSCWA (Fat Ugly Small-Chested Women of America), that little
bitch has finally got what's coming to her. (Today Barbie, tomorrow the
cast of Bay Watch.)
The new and improved(?) version of Barbie will have smaller breasts, a
thicker waistline, no makeup, and a dour expression on her bland face.
On the plus side, she will come equipped with all the charm and
personality you can cram into an oversized plastic head.
Of course, the move was not met without a small amount of resistance,
misguided though it may have been. As one Mom put it, "My kids don't
care how big Barbie's boobs are, their only complaint is that the head
is too big and keeps falling off." To this comment replied Irma
Holstein, Founder and President of FUSCWA, "That is exactly what men
want in women, enormous breasts and a little head."
On behalf of the entire staff of the Scroomtimes we say to Ms Holstein,
"Amen, sister!"
But back to the Barbie transformation, we here at the Scroomtimes say
why stop there. If our goal is to transform Barbie into the spokes
model...er, excuse me...spokesperson for the entire female gender,
someone who represents all women of all shapes and sizes, then lets
create a whole line of Average Woman Barbies. Barbies such as:
- Welfare Mom Barbie
- Hooker Barbie
- Pregnant Barbie
- Teenage Pregnancy Barbie
- Crack Addict Barbie
- Uptight Bitch Barbie
- Heroin Chic Barbie
- Bulimic Barbie
- Lesbian Barbie
(Of course, it could be effectively argued that the New and Improved
Barbie already in stores is the "Lesbian Barbie", but I digress.)
And why stop there? What about the unreachable goals established for
men by such childhood toys as "GI Joe" and Barbie's little boy-toy
Ken? I mean really, how many of us men have been traumatized by the
implied notion that an average-looking guy with bad hair and no
perceptible genitalia has a shot at bagging a hot-looking number like
Barbie? How many of us, in the heat of battle, have set our sights on
the tastiest morsel on the menu and braced ourselves with the thought
that, "Hell, if that weasel Ken can do it...", only to get shot down
time after time in increasingly horrifying and publicly humiliating
fashions.
For all you men out there, our crack team of researchers here at the
Scroomtimes offer these suggestions for more "Average Guy-Friendly Ken
Dolls":
- Couch Potato Ken
- Hangover Ken
- Butt crack Ken
- Wife Beater Ken
- Nintendo-Geek Ken
- Loser Who Can Never Get A Date Ken
- Illegitimate Father Ken
- Slobbering Drunk Ken
Bear in mind, we here at the Scroomtimes realize that the only way to
truly be fair is to manufacture and distribute personalized Ken and
Barbie dolls representing every man, woman and child who has ever lived,
past, present and future, and require each and every child in America to
purchase and spend an equal amount of time playing with each and every
one. We at the Scroomtimes are in favor of just such a proposal,
inasmuch as we have all recently purchased enormous shares of Mattel
stock.