DAVEtimes

by Dave Lind

**Editor's note** You see folks, the thing is, that our own Dave Lind has this sort of ...well...ego problem. When we asked him for his regular monthly column, he gave us all of this and told the rest of us to take off for the month. Now since the rest of us didn't want to hurt his feelings, we thought we would give you this special issue of DAVEtimes. Enjoy...

GUEST Skippy's Guide to Life and Eternal Happiness

by Dave Lind

EDITOR'S NOTE: Skippy is spending the holidays with family and thus this month's column is written by guest columnist Dave Lind.

Greetings, loyal Skippy fans, and a Merry Christmas to all. I feel it my journalistic responsibility to point out that the preceding editor's note was a gross lie. Skippy doesn't even have any family, just a mentally incompetent half-brother who lives in a trailer in Elko, Nevada and thinks the banjo is a misunderstood musical instrument.

The truth is, Skippy is off frolicking on the white sands of Waikiki with a couple of Seahawks cheerleaders (they won't be missed) and my best box of cigars (I KNOW you took 'em!).

But I digress. One man's vacation is another man's golden opportunity. Let's make the best of this, shall we?

OK, we have a lot of ground to cover and not much space to do it in. I'm not sure exactly what Skippy's been telling you, so I'll just have to try to touch all the bases.

First, let's talk RELIGION: I keep hearing people talk about how they found Jesus. If Jesus is so all-knowing and all-powerful, why do I have to find him? Why can't he find me?

I dunno, this whole thing sounds like the world's most successful pyramid scheme.

"Your life sucks? Give us money and God will make it better."
"You're gonna die. Give us money and God will let you into heaven."

Puh-lease!

Next, POLITICS: Simple rule of thumb - From now on, any time you get the opportunity to vote on a tax increase, vote NO! Regardless of what the tax hike is for.

"We want to build prisons."
"We want to build schools."
"We want to end world hunger and cure all disease."

All lies! The only thing that ever gets accomplished when taxes are raised is you (the taxpayer) wind up with less money. The government (Federal, State, and Local) is like a crack addict and your tax money is like a welfare check. The crack addict has no money because he spent his welfare check on drugs. What do you do? Give him a raise? Of course not! You shoot him and leave him to die in the gutter.

ABORTION: Against abortion? Don't have one.

ENVIRONMENT: Let's take a purely selfish look at this. I think we all agree (most of us anyway) that we, as humans, like living on this little globe of ours. OK, maybe the temperature isn't always just perfect and it can get drafty from time to time, but I think most of us are fairly happy with our current planet of residence.

Now, since pretty much all of us would like to go on living here for as long as possible, we need to see just what needs to be done (or NOT done, as the case may be) to maintain the habitability of our little home.

Does that mean we should protect the spotted owl or the blue-nosed field mouse at all costs? Hell, no. What it means is that we should take a long, hard look at how the existence or non-existence of the spotted owl affects us as a species, positively or negatively, THEN act accordingly. These people who think humans should feel guilty simply because we are the dominant species at the moment and that we somehow have an obligationo'lcaretaker of all the world's creatures because we have thumbs are just missing the boat.

Animals die, species go extinct, it's the natural order of things. Mother nature doesn't give a $#@*& if they die out from a meteor strike or a plague of humans, she'll just whip all-new, hardier batch of inhabitants and move on. If the entire human race died out the day after tomorrow, by the middle of next week we'd be forgotten.

Enough of that, on to GAY MARRIAGE: Jack wants to marry Jill? Fine. Jack wants to marry Jim? Equally fine. Jack wants to marry Jill AND Jim? I'm cool with that, too. Jack wants to marry my daughter? Over my dead body.

CAPITAL PUNISHMENT: Here's a thought for all you flaming liberals out there. It's called "Capital PUNISHMENT" because it punishes a person for what they already did, not "Capital DETERENT", which would deter a person from something they might do.

I say, fry the bastard!

WAR ON DRUGS: Now we come to the Vietnam of social issues. The war on drugs is a myth. It's a hot-button issue invented and maintained as an easy fix for poor ratings in the polls. The entire "War" has become an industry unto itself which continues to grow and escalate with every losing campaign. And since the key agencies involved in fighting the war have a vested interest in keeping it going (re: job security), how can anyone possibly expect a resolution to the problem.

The answer? Quit fighting. Take all that money we are wasting on locking up Grateful Dead fans and Glaucoma patients and use it improve our declining educational system which will keep people from becoming drug users in the first place.

And finally, TV VIOLENCE: I'm really getting sick of people bitching about the sex and violence in movies and on TV. I'll tell you what, if you don't like it, turn the damn thing off. Rent a Disney movie. Read a book. Take your kids to the park, for Christ's sake, just quit whining!

Personally, I like sex and violence. I enjoy it. Lord knows there's not enough of it in my day-to-day life, so if I can go pay seven bucks and see a little of what I'm missing out on, what's it to ya'? And you know what else? The ratings would indicate I'm not alone in my thinking.

And what's wrong with that? What's wrong with plopping yourself down in front of the VCR and turning your brain off for a few hours and soaking up a little gratuitous sex and violence?

Not a damn thing, that's what. Sex and violence are the two most powerful motivators in the entire history of the planet. No one came down out of the trees or discovered fire or built cities because they had some deep-seated desire to speak in snooty accents and listen to fat women sing. Men built cities for two reasons:

1) To provide safety and protection from a violent world and

2) So they could have sex with a better class of women.

That's it. Nothing more profound than that. Sex and violence. Violence and sex. Natural and pure as the driven snow. I suddenly feel like renting Pulp Fiction and smoking a fat cigar tonight.

Thank you for tuning in, Skippy will be back next month.

GUEST Ya Gotta See This

By Dave Lind

Yes, you heard correctly. I, Dave Lind, the undisputed King of Couch Potato chatter (Sorry Professor, we both know it's true), the one and only Ultimate Voice of Authority on Sports Commentary, the ...

EDITOR'S NOTE: We apologize for the rambling, self-aggrandizing introduction by Mr. Lind. He is known to get carried away with himself from time to time. That is just his way, and we accept it. Rest assured, he has been summarily bashed in the skull and the column will proceed as scheduled.

...I know, I know. This is not exactly the forum in which my faithful readers are accustomed to seeing me, and I understand that I run the risk of treading on the turf of our regular Movie Reviewer, my esteemed