The BackPage

Hello again and welcome to the backpage. We here at the 'Page are very sorry about missing you last month but we do have a valid excuse. We were out in the field, doing the nuts and bolts research that makes us the leader in the demystification of the female species. That's right, we were hitting the strip clubs. Let's be honest, can there be anything in this world more male than a strip club? Women in bikinis who really dig you, bringing you beer and salted snack foods? What more could you want? (Here's a helpful tip, go on a Monday night during football season.) Now the question is, if you are going to go to a strip club, are you going to be just another one of those drunken idiots or are you going to be a professional? Wrong, you are going to be a professional. What's the point of doing something base and sleazy if you aren't going to do it properly?

With that in mind, we have been hard at work devising a way to quantify each dancer's skill and ability. Otherwise you will just keep saying "Damn, she is a hotty!" over and over again, and that isn't all that professional, now is it? Let us assure you that this system has been tested and re-tested in order to insure that it is both comprehensive and can be remembered while drunk. Let's get to it, shall we?

There are four main categories and a bonus system in our plan. The top score in any category is ten points. Bonus points should be awarded sparingly in order to maintain the validity of the scores. For instance, if a dancer were to give you kiss on the cheek, you cannot give her one hundred bonus points and declare the contest closed (yes this has happened).

The first category is musical selection, obscurity is a big plus in this area. One of our favorites used to dance to "Lady Cab Driver" by Prince, big points there. You also have to keep in mind whether the music is appropriate to the venue. As a rule, most dancers have trouble pulling off ballads, find a dancer who does ballads well and you have a contender.

The next category is costume. Is it too simple? Is it too tacky? does she remove it too quickly? Does it fit the music? Important questions all, and all should be considered while scoring. For example, a dancer that comes out in a thoroughly revealing bikini isn't showing much imagination or commitment to her craft now is she? Also watch out for costumes that they have trouble getting out of, there is nothing that will bring a score down faster than stopping the dance in order to remove part of the costume.

The third category is dancing ability. Many dancers will attempt to get by on their looks and a couple of stock moves. This might good enough for the locals, but for us pros? I don't think so. You need to watch for how well she is in sync with the music in this category. Ask yourself if she is really in the song or the music just background noise?

The final category is overall effect. Does this dancer move you in some way? (Let's not get graphic.) We have seen so many dancers that seem to have the total package, but they just can't pull it off when the time comes. Conversely, we remember fondly one lady who you wouldn't look at twice while she was waiting tables. When she mounted that stage though, look out below.

This brings us to the bonus points area. This can be tricky, there are so many little things that you will find yourself giving bonus points for indiscriminately. Dollar retrieval, athletic moves, the aforementioned kiss, outstanding vertical bar moves are all areas where bonus points can be earned. You must ask yourself though, "Is this really above and beyond or am I just really drunk?" A good rule of thumb when you are just starting out is to limit the total number of bonus points awarded. Once you get the hang of the system, you'll find yourself getting stingier and you won't need these artificial barriers.

Well that's the system, we feel that it is the perfect blend of simplicity and flexibility. If you can think of any improvements, by all means feel free to make them. This scoring system has been invented to make you a better strip club patron after all. Remember one important rule though, keep score mentally. We have found that some dancers get just a little testy if they catch you taking notes while they perform. Have fun and keep in mind, we are after all professionals.