ASK THE PROFESSOR

Once again, events beyond the control of The Professor have conspired to rob him of the necessary time to adequately prepare a column for the upcoming edition of the 'times. More truthfully, he was too busy watching football and tending to his fantasy football team (Which is, by the way 2-0.) to sit down and think up a topic.

The upshot of all this is that it is time, once again, to open up the floor to the readers. In that spirit, The Professor is pleased to answer any and all manner of questions you, the casual reader, care to throw at him.

QUESTION: I heard Evander Holyfield just accepted $10 million to fight Mike Tyson. Do you think he has a chance?
ANSWER: A chance of what? Winning? Hell, no! Going the distance? Absolutely not. Remaining conscious past the first commercial? Probably not. Surviving long enough to cash the paycheck? Almost certainly.

Q: Are the Packers awesome or what?
A: Yes.

Q: Do you think the Niners can beat them?
A: No.

Q: Could you be more specific?
A: Sure.

Q: My friend says that Doug Drabek was the last non-Braves pitcher to win the National League Cy Young award, way back in 1990. He also thinks John Smoltz is a lock for the award this year, giving the Braves six in a row. Sometimes he even tells me to go get the ax out of the woodshed and kill everyone in my whole family. Do you think it's wrong to have an imaginary friend?
A: You are a sick, sick man. Everyone knows that the last non-Braves pitcher to win the NL Cy Young award was Greg Maddux, who won it with the Cubs in 1992, giving the Braves only four of the last five. SHEESH!

Q: What is wrong with Raider fans? Why, after all that whining and howling to get their team back, can't they even be bothered to shell out a few bucks to go to a game?
A: Those D%@N fans! How DARE they not be willing to shell out thousands of dollars per seat for PSLs just to go see Pat Swilling jump offsides and James Jett drop passes! I say the Raiders should move to Cleveland where they'd be appreciated.

Q: The NBA season is fast approaching. Who do you like to win it all?
A: Who cares.

Q: Why is Dave Shula still coaching in the NFL?
A: The same reason Bob Saget has a showbiz career: To establish the baseline against which all bad coaches (or comedians) will be compared.

Q: Is it true that your domestic partner recently approved your purchase of a new 35-inch color TV?
A: Yes.

Q: And she's willing to let you watch as much football as you want?
A: Yes.

Q: And she brings you beer and rubs your feet and stuff?
A: Yes.

Q: That's some domestic partner!
A: I think so.

Q: What do you think of the NFL's decision to start scheduling bye weeks as early as the third week of the season.
A: I think the NFL has proved beyond a doubt that they are capable of screwing up even the best ideas.

Q: What's up with Errict Rhett?
A: Apparently he's fallen victim to the oldest and deadliest disease that can befall a sports star: Crania Enlargitis. Or, to put it in laymen's terms, his head is too big. Fear not, he will learn, as many have before him, the folly of sacrificing a precious year (in his prime, no less) on the altar of greed under the ministrations of the Holy Sports agent.

Q: I just don't understand. The Jets paid Neil O'Donnell $25 million, yet their offense has continued to sputter and they are still winless. What gives?
A: Hmmm, good question. Maybe if they paid O'Donnell $40 million things would turn around. And if that doesn't work, they'll just have to go out and sign Mike Tomczak.

Q: Are you finished?
A: Yes.

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